Fostering the Shadow

Were you completely accepted by those around you growing up? I wasn’t. In fact, my childhood as an adoptee, where I was abandoned as a child, strangely passed on the lifelong mission of defeating abandonment issues. Adoption taught me to abandon myself & become whatever people around me needed at the time. It’s how I learned quickly, to get my needs met. To be the perfect child, smile; so people like you, do as you are told and keep your opinion to yourself. That type of world, in my opinion, nurtures the narrative…of a master manipulator but that’s another story.

If one teaches one, to abandon themself, early in life, how does one figure out their own voice? For a long time, I had no idea that I lacked my true voice or sense of self. People took advantage because I was covertly trained to “tolerate” unsavory behavior in others…Boy, has that changed, which is why, I refuse to remain silent when encountering bullies now. I truly believe, what one encounters in youth, oddly equips one with tools necessary to conquer it, once matured…I dare go as far as stating, “One must go back to conquer those same demons, to move forward.” It’s like some sort of “redeeming” or passage of the Soul, type of thing, going on within.

I believe foster children could possibly have it harder in life. Most children have the privilege of finding their voice and identity. Foster children aren’t usually afforded that luxury. In fact, most never gain the luxury of “uninterrupted” self-discovery. If; they ever gain it at all. These children must abandon themselves, repeatedly, in order to survive. Each home or family presents its own set of new rules…instantly, spinning a child into confusion, while having to learn the inhabitants, at the same time.

Once again, the child must adapt to the “new” laws of the land… abandoning themselves each time, they are placed or moved in to a new home. I often wonder has anyone thought on the constant “state of confusion” this places on a young, insecure…yet, developing mind? It’s consistent interruptions in developing a sense of security or stability within oneself…how can children moving around, without their parents, develop a “strong” sense of self with so much “unpredictability” occurring? It takes caring, loving adults to step in and step up.

My adoptive parents were far from perfect but they were loving, consistent and well structured. Giving me; the adoptee, just what I needed to thrive and develop my own sense of self and personality. If inconsistency, is horrible on and for adults, imagine what it does to the “developing” child’s mind? Subconsciously, they’re constantly being asked to perform for acceptance and security, excessively re-enforcing the negative habit to “abandon” themselves again and again to have ones needs met. Which is by the way, the greatest damage anyone can do to themself because that can lead to a lifetime of codependency.

I find it ironic, that the same thing that the matriarch (and patriarch) does to protect the child, for whatever reason, gets systematically repeated.. in order, to help the child… and in the formative years, at that. Foster care may inadvertently, be fostering “the shadow” in children while trying to help them. Hopefully, foster parents are given guidance, support and tools to help children properly develop. I firmly believe there is nothing a loving home with loving adults, can’t solve.

My final thoughts are.. If you were raised with either biological parent, you are beyond blessed…and may have encountered your future self. Hopefully, you developed a strong sense of self, by-passing abandonment issues altogether, never having to perform for your basic needs to be met. Have a little more empathy for children, especially in foster care, they aren’t given the props they deserve…They’re likely, the most “resilient” and “evolved “amongst us, all. One can only imagine how far they’ll go, once they “recognize” such an admirable trait in themselves.

Life isn’t bad at all… learning to accept difficulties are a part of the norm, makes it a whole lot easier.

Consider fostering a child, remembering to see things through the “eyes” of a child, can teach all…There are so many children, right here in the USA, that are in need of safe, loving homes with safe, loving families… Won’t you consider it? You never know whose life you could change, for the better. All is one.

Keep shining.

~Triddy Kat💋

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TRIDDY KAT®