Reflections

What is it that I’m running from? What is it that I still desire? Will I ever know peace passionately or intimately? I had become so frightened because everything I thought was working towards, disintegrated before my eyes. Comfort and stability were no longer my friend or companion. What was once comfortable or normal, now caused me great pain. I retreated. I searched and yearned for normalcy and acceptance but I couldn’t find it.

I remember watching a film… and, suddenly catching a glimpse of myself in a character. When the character experienced something extremely horrible and painful, to cope, the character would retreat back into self-destructive behavior PATTERNS.. drinking and sexual misconduct, etc. Read the article, “Patterns” click link here, Patterns This character hurt everyone. The character lacked the skills (tools)needed to cope with trauma. To express pain, the character selfishly, unleashed their fury onto others.

Then, in a  second, I saw and had a frightening experience..for the first time ever, I saw MYSELF…in my reflection (of this character). The reflection in the mirror, showed me, ME. The very first time that I actually saw myself, I was not, as I wished others viewed me but as I knew I really was, deep down in my Soul.

I felt liberation and a deep sense of pain. I was liberated because I was finally becoming one within myself. I was in terrible pain/fear because of knowing, what I had to conquer. Myself.

My own tragic story brought me to find solace in self-destructive habits, just like the character in the film, so their story was mines…I recognized me, in this character using self-sabotage to hide, from facing the unrelenting world alone. I‘ve never used drugs and I only drank socially but I understood, why people used it to cope.

I cried and prayed to never have to pretend to be strong anymore, to be able to mess up and still find love. To just be loved..It’s all we really want. But can we recognize it? 

I finally accepted that I was truly afraid of success, more than failure. Now, where do I go from here? I was afraid to succeed but dimming down my shine (failing) wasn’t working out well for me either.

My soul yearns for more. I recognize that I was born to be excellent and that my journey was supposed to get me here. So much pain and turmoil and never feeling accepted, so lonely with so many around.

I know now, that I have no friends and no one really knows me. Yet, I also know I excel at whatever I put my hands to. Such a great call is so overwhelming. It is easier to fail because it requires no strength, perseverance, courage or truth to thyself. 

Why can’t I accept failure or complacency like others do so well? Why do I have to be honest with me?

I felt like I was cursed because “I have to like what I see… and, it has to be honest and real.”

Note—Today’s article…“Reflections”.. are my personal, unfiltered feelings and thoughts about me being afraid to accept my life’s purpose. I wrote this back in the summer of 2017. I’m just sharing it with you guys here and now in 2022, because so much has occurred since then to make me boldly, accept my life’s calling (purpose). I hope you’ve enjoyed it. 

Keep shining.

~Triddy Kat

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TRIDDY KAT®

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